The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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