I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
