I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
