So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
