my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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