You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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