Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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