Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My ass is underappreciated
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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