If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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