Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
