MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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