come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
