everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
