Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
