I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
