he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
