So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
