I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
