I met the friendliest cop last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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