Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
