You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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