Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm like, not good at living.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
