Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
