My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I will be naked everywhere
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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