I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
