The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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