Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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