So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize