Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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