why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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