matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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