Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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