Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
