literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
