Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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