i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
