Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
