So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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