Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
