I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
