You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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