I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
