So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They took my balls.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He has the fingertips of a God
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