So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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