Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i came on her dog
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize