I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
