Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
