The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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