he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
