I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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