I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
