respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
