By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
