and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
