I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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