What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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