I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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