Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
