tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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