I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
