so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
