Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
