i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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