Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
