Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
