every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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