I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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