I think i peed on brittanys purse
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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