god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
