6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
