At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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