If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Congratulations! We have a period
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