There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
